To hear more about Nina, her career as a feminist, activist, and porn star as well as her personal sexual experiences, I highly recommend her interview on the podcast Tangentially Speaking that’s hosted by Christopher Ryan.

I won’t go into detail about the discussion, because that is Nina’s story to tell, and because I have a mission in this post. What I want to share with you are two main ideas I took to heart. The first is a precursor to the second and I believe the second is something I really valued hearing from her. I wanted to conceptualize relationships with others in a healthy, happy way, and Nina worded it beautifully. I don’t think I will do her words justice, but here are my impressions of what she talked about.

1) Communicate. Talk about sexual wants and needs, fantasies, desires, kinks, boundaries, hard limits, and so on. Even if someone fits within the social “norm”–heterosexual and monogamous–what that person really ought to do is put into words what is pleasurable. Only after this is discussed can possible crossovers be found in order to see whether a sexual experience or relationship might progress.

2) Being okay with limits (and “no”s). Being happy and appreciative within relationships while respecting the parameters is important. It’s very easy to turn sexual desires and pleasure-seeking into a selfish game. Don’t push others to meet all of your needs; find what pleasures and interests are shared with that person(s) and set up the relationship’s boundaries around that. Being offended and whiny that someone does not fulfill all of your wants is immature. Instead of becoming grumpy about limits set upon relationships for various reasons, just enjoy and appreciate the experiences for what they are. This also involves being patient, because things change and opportunities might crop up in the future.

It’s very easy to fixate on the negative aspects of things. It’s easier to lash out in hate, jealousy, and overall “butthurt”-ness (Nina said “butthurt”! So funny.) because you turn the sexual world into a world that revolves around yourself. Try to be happy for others and their sexual successes and adventures, while enjoying living your own life and exploring your sexuality. It can be quite an honor to be involved, even remotely, in someone’s sexual adventures.

Besides, anger, jealousy, hate can be such exhausting emotions. I’d much rather expend energy on orgasms.

See who else is being wicked this week by clicking the banner below! xoxo

My first piece debuted on July 3 and it is entitled: Reclaiming Vanilla Sex: Why it’s Hot.

My article discusses how the term “vanilla” has become a negative term that depicts boredom, normalcy, plainness. While vanilla things can certainly be plain, what they are definitely not are inferior to non-vanilla things. Vanilla sex can be hot, sensual, primal, rough, new, romantic, what have you. The lack of kink does not necessarily make it boring and I think this needs to be stated.

Enjoy the article! Stay tuned for future articles of mine. xoxo

A girl kept dropping her pockets.
She couldn’t keep them attached
To the seam line of her corduroys
Olive-stained and soft, cheeky
Almost, as if her pants had a voice.
She held on tight, though,
To those dear pockets that tried
To pack a knapsack and run away.
Run away, from potential disaster,
From responsibility. The pockets don’t
Want to hold prized possessions of the girl’s.
What if a teeny-tiny hole of
Imperfection in the pocket lost
All that meant something to this girl’s heart?
The pockets would never be able to forgive
Themselves, for gravity pulls their spirits
Down, so that something will inevitably fall
Out of this girl’s pocket, such as Chester.
Chester was an acorn given, humorously
From a boy. He cared for
The acorn that day. But alas,
Two steps on a nut–even accidental–will crack it.
The boy slipped the broken nut into the departing girl’s
Pocket. The acorn held potential for the future.
Chester is filled with borrowed dreams
But remained broken himself.
How could he even live if he doesn’t have a face?
For faces are what represent lives.

See who is being wicked this week by clicking the banner below. xoxo

First and foremost, I never rush into anything, especially if I feel pressured. When I feel the slightest push from someone in a not-so-sexy-and-consensual way, I resist and ultimately decline. There may be a fine line between putting on the moves and pushing someone, and many might not be able to tell the difference–but it is huge. In addition, I am not a risk-taker and so I do not engage with someone unless I get a really good feel for what he is like. If he doesn’t jive with me based on personality, we will not successfully jive in bed.

When a fella and I decide we might have some fun together, we talk about the fine print. We exchange sexual health and STI information, protection requirements, current relationship status/ sex life, and so on. These are baseline topics that ought to be discussed in advance of sexy times if possible. When I initially meet a guy online, I also like to cover bases such as hard limits, turn-ons, and sexual preferences. This is because there is more time for such discussions, and it can be valuable to know this information even before meeting him in person. For example, perhaps one of his hard limits is one of your favorite sex acts to do–that might be a deal breaker. I like to make it clear that while I’m happy to do various things in the bedroom, I expect the equivalent things in return. I like to call my equal exchange agreement a “tit for tat.” This is a team effort, however short-lived. 

When I meet a guy, we arrange some semblance of a date. Dinner, drinks, coffee, what have you are all great starts to a casual meet-up without making anyone feel stressed or committed to the tentative plans. I meet and hang out with guys in public. If all goes well, perhaps we decide to stick together for the night, or plan for another night in the future. Excellent. It has been brought to my attention that these dating rituals of sorts are not common with all cultures. But until I reach the point of it being okay to text a guy to come over for an ASAP romp, I expect to at least be briefly courted. This isn’t a prenuptial, people.

What I have come to prefer most is having a good friend who also happens to be my fuck buddy. This means that the chemistry is there at least somewhat, and that our personalities connect. I also really enjoy when the casual sex is a regular thing, where monogamy is not necessary, but honesty is required. However, there can be benefits to having sexual encounters with near-strangers too. What I recommend is to still get a good sense of the person, really learn what s/he like and if you connect or not. Then plan it safely and smartly: meet in public, test the waters, see how it goes. One of the larger risks with sex with strangers is that it is harder to know if they are trustworthy and also if they are good in bed. Having realistic expectations is a must.

I do believe it can be incredibly successful to find casual, quality partners online, but you have to know where to look for what you want. Believe me when I say that dating sites and social media sites can get extremely spammy when it comes to men trying to connect/talk to women. It can be so spammy that messages get ignored, deleted, and lost in the chaos. I think there is hope for adult sites, such as XXX Sex Guides that are very specific about the type of dating they are trying to arrange for consumers.

My advice is to be respectful, straightforward, and friendly toward the people you interact with online, and more so toward the people you’d like to fuck someday. Good grammar and humor are also always great things too. If you have questions about online dating, casual relationships, long-distance relationships, etc., please contact me! xoxo

This post is brought to you by XXX Sex Guides, and depicts the thoughts and opinions of Geeky Nymph.

Dildology is a wonderful new project that will take a scientific look at sex toys to determine what they are really made out of. The sex toy industry is unregulated, meaning that the materials that go into products are not scrutinized, are not verified, and not qualified. Labels can lie. Manufacturers can lie. They can get away with it, turn a profit, and cause harm to our sexual well-being. When it comes to materials and safety, even pets’ toys and kitchenware are regulated, as are medical devices and children’s toys. Why aren’t sex toys? We are using them on very sensitive parts of our bodies, often in direct contact, and there is no certification to ensure these products are safe for use. Toxicity, including porousness and harmful ingredients (phthalates, for example) are things reviewers have learned to keep a lookout for. However, knowing exactly what ingredients a sex toy contains remains a mystery.

This is not okay! And believe me, I love sex toys and I want to be an avid consumer of sex products for the rest of my life, but some things have got to change for the better.

I hope to provide some more educational information on this blog about being smart sex toy consumers because I cannot take it for granted that you know what fellow bloggers and I know. This Dildology blog carnival will be my catalyst, because it will start the inclusion of more material safety pieces on my blog, especially when I review products.

Here’s where Dildology comes into play. The flame test is the only affordable method sex toy reviewers can test the quality/percentage of silicone. However, as Dangerous Lilly has discovered, even the flame test can be unreliable. So, the goal of the founders of Dildology is to chemically test products in order to determine what materials really are in the sex toys on the market. Naturally, to break down materials costs money, and if you are able to donate any amount to them, they’d be so grateful!

Dildology is a non-profit organization and most of the money raised will go directly toward testing products. The rest of the money will go toward fundraising materials, equipment, and resources for education. One of their goals is to create a way for sex toy reviewers to test material quality at home, in a more reliable way than flame testing.

You can donate by clicking the icon below:

There are several incentives for donors worldwide:

• US and Canada: Donations of $15 or more will receive a 15% off code for SheVibe.com.
  
• UK and Europe: Donations of $15 or more will receive a code for 10% off LoveHoney brand products.
• Australia: Donations of $15 or more will receive a code for 10% off store wide at MissX.

If nothing else, please check ‘em out! Feel free to spread the word about this exciting new project going on within our community. If you are able, please donate to their cause. Definitely stay tuned for more of my discussions inspired by important work such as Dildology. As always, thanks for reading. xoxo

Introduction
We as a community of sex educators, activists, workers—we as people—all have stories to share that are equally important. This is one such book that is as inspirational as it is educational, and it gives a collective voice to people and stories that are long overdue to be heard. I wrote copious notes as I read this nonfiction anthology: Best Sex Writing 2013: The State of Today’s Sexual Culture. All of the authors wrote with such clarity that I thought their tales were incredibly poignant and reminded me of something that Dr. Carol Queen, this book’s Guest Judge, said at CatalystCon East this year:

“Tell your truth.”

There is so much work to be done in the field of sexuality, and progress can be made as we all share our stories and collaborate with one another. I want to see the sex community grow into an inclusive environment in which acceptance runs as rampant as we like to think it does. It intrigues me to imagine how the sex community will change, and I can only hope it will be made all the better by books such as this one.

Let’s hear what the editor, Rachel Kramer Bussel, had to say:

“One of the things I like best about editing the Best Sex Writing series is approaching the ubiquitous topic of sex from new angles. I like to mix things up, to include authors who aren’t based in the world of sex writing alongside ones who are. I also like to mix things up by including deeply personal essays mixed with reportage, this year from publications like New York (“Very Legal: Sex and Love in Retirement”), The Atlantic (“Can a Better Vibrator Inspire an Age of Great American Sex?”), East Bay Express (“Sex by Numbers”), Riverfront Times (“Lost Boys”) and LA Weekly (“Porn Defends the Money Shot”).

Unlike editing my erotica anthologies, when I was editing Best Sex Writing 2013, I was “working” even when I wasn’t working. As I read for pleasure, I was also keeping an eye out for articles and essays that might fit in well with the book, which is how I discovered gems like “Sex by Any Other Name” by Insiya Ansari in the anthology Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women, edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi and “Cherry Picking” by Julia Serano in the anthology Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love & Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary, edited by Morty Diamond. Others I solicited about topics in the news, such as Tim Tebow and the reaction to his virginity (“Holy Fuck” by Jon Pressick).

Yet I want to be clear: yes, the book has the word “best” on it, but I would be sad if anyone thought this were the final word on sex writing, in 2013 or any other year. Any Best Of collection is always going to be colored by the person or people doing the selecting. While I believe the quality of the writing and thinking collected in this book is top-notch, what I hope readers take away is that they too are part of the conversation. I don’t expect everyone (or possibly anyone) to read all 20 pieces and think, I agree with everything in each one. In fact, that would disappoint me. Instead, I want them to serve up new ways of looking at topics such as aging and sexuality, or sex work and happiness, or whether polyamory is a relationship ideal. It’s likely that some of the pieces here might unnerve you, or confuse you, or arouse you, or educate you (or all of those)—and that’s a good thing.

I also appreciate that many of these pieces complicate the idea of a sexual utopia. They ask hard questions, push buttons and fight back against simplistic answers, whether it’s Lori Selke’s “Dear John” letter to the leather community or Patrick Califia’s essay “Enhancing Masochism,” where he writes: “This is not to say that BDSMers (or our relationships) are always happy and strong. Our community has its share of people who are mean-spirited or manipulative or crackers. Some of us find romantic love and lots of sex with ease; others experience higher levels of loneliness and unsatisfied desire. But this is simply the human condition. It’s okay for us to be imperfect.”

To that end, I know each reader will have different favorites in the book, different connections they make than the ones I made. I want this book to come alive, not literally, but in the sense that it gets talked about, debated, passed around. While in some ways it’s a time capsule, a snapshot of the current sexual moment, legal and cultural battles and achievements and news, it’s about, at heart, to reiterate what Califia wrote about the BDSM community, the human condition. Or rather, conditions. These authors are quite different from each other, but all are daring to speak openly and intimately about sexuality, whether their own or others’. They’re challenging themselves, their lovers and conventional (and less conventional) wisdom. I look forward to hearing what readers have to say about those challenges, and to seeing more writing that opens up the world of sex in smart, critical, exciting ways.”

Rachel Kramer Bussel edits the “Sex Diaries” for New York Magazine and hosts SRO readings around the country. Based in New York City, she is a prolific erotica editor, and her titles include Spanked, He’s on Top, She’s on Top, Passion, and Do Not Disturb.

Dr. Carol Queen is a writer, speaker, educator and activist with a doctorate in sexology. Her books include Pomosexuals, Real Live Nude Girl, and Switch Hitters. She lives in San Francisco, where she is the Good Vibrations Staff Sexologist.

Sweepstakes
Enter below to win a copy of Best Sex Writing 2013, given graciously by Cleis Press. The contest is open to everyone worldwide.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thank you, Rachel and Cleis Press for allowing me to take part in the blog tour for Best Sex Writing 2013! I’m so happy to be a part of this wonderful virtual blog tour. xoxo

Because I identify as a highly sexual person, this somehow means that I should be fucking every person I meet. This means that I should be actively pursuing people to fuck. This means that every day/hour/minute I’m not fucking someone(s) I should be rubbing my clit and fucking myself excessively because that’s what being a highly sexual being must entail, right?

I can be a bit sarcastic, but you hopefully get the point. I am not at the point in my life, nor with the right people, to be able to maximize my sexual relationships and experiences. This doesn’t mean that I am not a highly sexual person and this doesn’t mean that I am unhappy. Sex finds its way into my life every single day through various mediums. Sometimes I read articles about sexual health or I review a sex toy. Other times I share feminist, sex-positive news with people and other times I watch porn. At times I masturbate a bajillion times in a day, and other days I don’t masturbate even once. Often On occasion I have phone sex or I write an erotic story. I am a single, independent, sexual woman. I am a young professional out in the world, finding my way, earning a living and the frequency of intercourse does not define me.

I want to find a significant other(s). I want to live with someone I love. I just happen to be alone for the time being, and that is not a bad thing, nor a deficient thing. I don’t want to have random sex with strangers (yet) because I am looking for something else, and I am happy to wait to get what I want.

There is a piece in Best Sex Writing 2013 that resonated with me because it addressed how society shames virgins, because a person shouldn’t wait to have sex with someone special, but a person should want to fuck at any given opportunity that crops up–and in fact, create opportunities through which sex is likely to happen as soon as fucking possible. This is unfair. People should be allowed to lead the sexual or asexual lives they want to lead. I expect my future to be full of lots of sexcapades and experiences to learn and try new things with people. Others don’t expect a future filled with sexual plans like mine but instead expect intimacy on many other levels.

We as a society should be more aware of when we are applying our judgments upon others in a negative way. For example, a 40 year-old virgin isn’t a deficient person and isn’t leading an insufficient life merely because he/she/they is a virgin. There’s value in waiting for whatever life situation is perceived worthwhile to be waiting for. I lost my virginity a few years ago and in some ways I wish I would have waited at least for my first serious relationship, because then it would have been more special. However, I was a content, sexual person even before I lost my virginity.

My current rationale is that I’d rather fuck myself than fuck someone who might not do it as well as my hands and brain and toys can. *wink* But who knows. I do think I sense new partner(s) on the horizon. If you try to say toys are replacements of partners and even cocks, I will lecture you. Inanimate objects never replace people. Toys allow people to explore, learn, enhance, and embrace their sexualities more easily. I still want a partner in crime, duh.

And quite frankly, when I wait longer between sexcapades, or masturbation rounds for that matter, the reward is only sweeter.

And do you know what’s even sweeter and sexier than waiting? Knowing I’ll blog about it. xoxo

“Home-wreckers” are often women that married men have affairs with, right? Do you know who is really to blame in these scenarios? The cheating spouse. People shouldn’t blame the stranger simply because it’s easier than addressing the cheating of the partner. Who is the one who is definitely acting immorally? The cheater. End of story.

I don’t have any broad moral bones to pick with the third parties, especially as I don’t know where they are coming from. Maybe that person has no idea what the situation involves, maybe that person does know. I don’t think it matters at the end of the day. When a spouse cheats, there is definitely something dishonest happening. Situations of cheating can easily get messy and complicated, but I think that generally the third party did not instigate the home-wrecky-ness.

Because this scenario is common with a married man cheating on his wife with another woman, the fact that the other woman is blamed by society feels a little slut-shame-y to me. I cannot articulate why it feels this way other than that the societal blame is being put on the woman, the other, rather than the man and his cheating. This doesn’t feel right. It’s always easier to blame the scapegoat, but that doesn’t make it okay. xoxo

Photo courtesy of CreativNooky

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #46? Start with the newly updated rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Bringing Toxic Sex Toy Facts Out of the Attic

How Do I Get My Wife to Dominate Me?

I Need This

~ Featured Posts (Molly’s Picks) ~

Speaking the unspeakable

#safetytipsforladies

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Easy Come Easy Go: A Look at Orgasm Control
I came before I was ready
Relationships and age difference
PolyAnna’s Musings: Different is Good, Right?
Seriously Proud Queer
Spanking Kink of the Week
How to Be Good in Bed
A Thousand Small Unhappinesses
What’s in a Number?
The Absence ofHow to Tell if a Man is Gay
Stop Shitting on the Bottoms

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

It’s Not Misandry, You’re a Douchebag

CatalystCon

Catalyst: How it Inspired

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Caning: To count or not to count
Slavery and Social Death, by O. Patterson
His Eyes Hungry. His Body Pleads: Use Me!
Toilet Whore
And then, I apologized.

Erotic Fiction

Wicked Wednesday: A little bit of confusion
The Moment
Detached
Waxing Lyrical
The “L” word
Gorge
Lolita Twenty-Thirteen, Part Three
Difficult

Erotic Non Fiction

Girl on Girl
The Moment I Felt Owned
Tasting Her
Acting on Instructions
Final Cruise
Quickie
A Lazy Sadistic Orgasm
I had 8 days of sex.
An hour together
Cheerful Disappointment
What is Erotic?
The Coin Flip
Playing with Adam
A Trip to the Hardware Store
Fall From Grace

Eroticon

A Somewhat Different Eroticon2013 4~part Post

Poetry

The Dark Place

Green fingernails trace the soft pink flesh surrounding pert nipples. The tips stand at attention, which is also what they crave. These nipples desire pain. Sloppy, wet, tooth-inducing pain.

Show me your teeth.

Sharp canines sink deep into my neck, pressing on a jugular such that the pulse presses hard and fast against those hot, full lips entrapping it.

Let me live.

Deliberately slow fingers admire pale flesh, inviting goosebumps to pop up along their journey across the terrain. It’s as though the body responds instantaneously to touch; it quivers and quakes, begging to be touched twice over.

Give in.

The taste of a salty tongue intrigues. A voice unleashes itself into another’s entrance; pleasure is spoken and shared.

 Words.

Thank you, Mr. Payne for another sexy work of art based on an image of me.

See who else is being delightfully wicked this Wednesday by clicking the banner below. xoxo