Often when people tell me “you should…” they are trying to look out for me or offer advice that they think is best. They are trying to help me live my life to its fullest, for which I am very thankful. But sometimes, sometimes when people tell me “you should…” it seems like they are making a judgment about my life in such a way that makes me feel like I’m somehow deficient by not doing such things that I ought to do. This comes into play with my sexual nature at times and I think that it reflects something about society on a macro level as well.
Because I identify as a highly sexual person, this somehow means that I should be fucking every person I meet. This means that I should be actively pursuing people to fuck. This means that every day/hour/minute I’m not fucking someone(s) I should be rubbing my clit and fucking myself excessively because that’s what being a highly sexual being must entail, right?
I can be a bit sarcastic, but you hopefully get the point. I am not at the point in my life, nor with the right people, to be able to maximize my sexual relationships and experiences. This doesn’t mean that I am not a highly sexual person and this doesn’t mean that I am unhappy. Sex finds its way into my life every single day through various mediums. Sometimes I read articles about sexual health or I review a sex toy. Other times I share feminist, sex-positive news with people and other times I watch porn. At times I masturbate a bajillion times in a day, and other days I don’t masturbate even once.
Often On occasion I have phone sex or I write an erotic story. I am a single, independent, sexual woman. I am a young professional out in the world, finding my way, earning a living and the frequency of intercourse does not define me.
I want to find a significant other(s). I want to live with someone I love. I just happen to be alone for the time being, and that is not a bad thing, nor a deficient thing. I don’t want to have random sex with strangers (yet) because I am looking for something else, and I am happy to wait to get what I want.
There is a piece in Best Sex Writing 2013 that resonated with me because it addressed how society shames virgins, because a person shouldn’t wait to have sex with someone special, but a person should want to fuck at any given opportunity that crops up–and in fact, create opportunities through which sex is likely to happen as soon as fucking possible. This is unfair. People should be allowed to lead the sexual or asexual lives they want to lead. I expect my future to be full of lots of sexcapades and experiences to learn and try new things with people. Others don’t expect a future filled with sexual plans like mine but instead expect intimacy on many other levels.
We as a society should be more aware of when we are applying our judgments upon others in a negative way. For example, a 40 year-old virgin isn’t a deficient person and isn’t leading an insufficient life merely because he/she/they is a virgin. There’s value in waiting for whatever life situation is perceived worthwhile to be waiting for. I lost my virginity a few years ago and in some ways I wish I would have waited at least for my first serious relationship, because then it would have been more special. However, I was a content, sexual person even before I lost my virginity.
My current rationale is that I’d rather fuck myself than fuck someone who might not do it as well as my hands and brain and toys can. *wink* But who knows. I do think I sense new partner(s) on the horizon. If you try to say toys are replacements of partners and even cocks, I will lecture you. Inanimate objects never replace people. Toys allow people to explore, learn, enhance, and embrace their sexualities more easily. I still want a partner in crime, duh.
And quite frankly, when I wait longer between sexcapades, or masturbation rounds for that matter, the reward is only sweeter.