Issues at Home

I often find myself releasing my anger and sadness onto Twitter, where there is ample support from others.  However, I don’t think most people really know what I am going through.

I am living alone with my father for the 9+ months in-between my undergraduate and graduate studies.  He is not used to me being an independent young adult and therefore he treats me like a child.  I understand that he is used to his authority and respect, but I cannot give him those while he treats me like shit.  He doesn’t deserve me bowing down to him at every request.

He is discriminatory on every level.  He ridicules me to my face and to others.  Everything I do is wrong, but the opposite of what I do would be even worse.  So I can’t do anything to please him.  He makes me cry at LEAST weekly (often daily or several times a day), but that depends on how often I’m around him, how sensitive I’m feeling, and so on.

I believe he is the reason I am terrible at Master/Slave stuff, because I can’t handle the punishments/feelings of disappointment.  They hit too close to home.

He brings out the insecurities I have, that’s for sure.

After all of these mind games and stupid arguments, I still love him as my father.  I know he cares somewhere deep down, and I know he is proud of me.  I know that he also wants what’s best for me, but he thinks that what is best for me is not what I want.

He knows how to push my buttons and upset me to no end.  Of course he does- he raised me after all.

I just cannot handle all of the torment.  If I didn’t love myself and if I didn’t have such a great support system I would have hurt myself months ago, even perhaps years ago.  He makes me want to die sometimes.

Basically it boils down to the fact that I should have NEVER moved home.  I was too idealistic with my expectations.  He tramples on my optimism and my dreams.  I have zero ambition here, other than the plan to get as far away as I can.

Now that I’m about one month away from leaving him for good, I can’t believe I survived this low point in my life.  Sure I’ve had worse times to deal with, but this one has been too long and too painful.

I am a very strong woman.  It just shows how hard this is because I need so much extra support.  I cannot internalize my anger and sorrow forever.

I do want to thank my lover.  He’s my best friend and my number one fan.  After terrible struggles with both of my parents, I’m thankful that he is there for me.  I would not have survived this year without him.

xoxo