My first piece debuted on July 3 and it is entitled: Reclaiming Vanilla Sex: Why it’s Hot.

My article discusses how the term “vanilla” has become a negative term that depicts boredom, normalcy, plainness. While vanilla things can certainly be plain, what they are definitely not are inferior to non-vanilla things. Vanilla sex can be hot, sensual, primal, rough, new, romantic, what have you. The lack of kink does not necessarily make it boring and I think this needs to be stated.

Enjoy the article! Stay tuned for future articles of mine. xoxo

Introduction
We as a community of sex educators, activists, workers—we as people—all have stories to share that are equally important. This is one such book that is as inspirational as it is educational, and it gives a collective voice to people and stories that are long overdue to be heard. I wrote copious notes as I read this nonfiction anthology: Best Sex Writing 2013: The State of Today’s Sexual Culture. All of the authors wrote with such clarity that I thought their tales were incredibly poignant and reminded me of something that Dr. Carol Queen, this book’s Guest Judge, said at CatalystCon East this year:

“Tell your truth.”

There is so much work to be done in the field of sexuality, and progress can be made as we all share our stories and collaborate with one another. I want to see the sex community grow into an inclusive environment in which acceptance runs as rampant as we like to think it does. It intrigues me to imagine how the sex community will change, and I can only hope it will be made all the better by books such as this one.

Let’s hear what the editor, Rachel Kramer Bussel, had to say:

“One of the things I like best about editing the Best Sex Writing series is approaching the ubiquitous topic of sex from new angles. I like to mix things up, to include authors who aren’t based in the world of sex writing alongside ones who are. I also like to mix things up by including deeply personal essays mixed with reportage, this year from publications like New York (“Very Legal: Sex and Love in Retirement”), The Atlantic (“Can a Better Vibrator Inspire an Age of Great American Sex?”), East Bay Express (“Sex by Numbers”), Riverfront Times (“Lost Boys”) and LA Weekly (“Porn Defends the Money Shot”).

Unlike editing my erotica anthologies, when I was editing Best Sex Writing 2013, I was “working” even when I wasn’t working. As I read for pleasure, I was also keeping an eye out for articles and essays that might fit in well with the book, which is how I discovered gems like “Sex by Any Other Name” by Insiya Ansari in the anthology Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women, edited by Ayesha Mattu and Nura Maznavi and “Cherry Picking” by Julia Serano in the anthology Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love & Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary, edited by Morty Diamond. Others I solicited about topics in the news, such as Tim Tebow and the reaction to his virginity (“Holy Fuck” by Jon Pressick).

Yet I want to be clear: yes, the book has the word “best” on it, but I would be sad if anyone thought this were the final word on sex writing, in 2013 or any other year. Any Best Of collection is always going to be colored by the person or people doing the selecting. While I believe the quality of the writing and thinking collected in this book is top-notch, what I hope readers take away is that they too are part of the conversation. I don’t expect everyone (or possibly anyone) to read all 20 pieces and think, I agree with everything in each one. In fact, that would disappoint me. Instead, I want them to serve up new ways of looking at topics such as aging and sexuality, or sex work and happiness, or whether polyamory is a relationship ideal. It’s likely that some of the pieces here might unnerve you, or confuse you, or arouse you, or educate you (or all of those)—and that’s a good thing.

I also appreciate that many of these pieces complicate the idea of a sexual utopia. They ask hard questions, push buttons and fight back against simplistic answers, whether it’s Lori Selke’s “Dear John” letter to the leather community or Patrick Califia’s essay “Enhancing Masochism,” where he writes: “This is not to say that BDSMers (or our relationships) are always happy and strong. Our community has its share of people who are mean-spirited or manipulative or crackers. Some of us find romantic love and lots of sex with ease; others experience higher levels of loneliness and unsatisfied desire. But this is simply the human condition. It’s okay for us to be imperfect.”

To that end, I know each reader will have different favorites in the book, different connections they make than the ones I made. I want this book to come alive, not literally, but in the sense that it gets talked about, debated, passed around. While in some ways it’s a time capsule, a snapshot of the current sexual moment, legal and cultural battles and achievements and news, it’s about, at heart, to reiterate what Califia wrote about the BDSM community, the human condition. Or rather, conditions. These authors are quite different from each other, but all are daring to speak openly and intimately about sexuality, whether their own or others’. They’re challenging themselves, their lovers and conventional (and less conventional) wisdom. I look forward to hearing what readers have to say about those challenges, and to seeing more writing that opens up the world of sex in smart, critical, exciting ways.”

Rachel Kramer Bussel edits the “Sex Diaries” for New York Magazine and hosts SRO readings around the country. Based in New York City, she is a prolific erotica editor, and her titles include Spanked, He’s on Top, She’s on Top, Passion, and Do Not Disturb.

Dr. Carol Queen is a writer, speaker, educator and activist with a doctorate in sexology. Her books include Pomosexuals, Real Live Nude Girl, and Switch Hitters. She lives in San Francisco, where she is the Good Vibrations Staff Sexologist.

Sweepstakes
Enter below to win a copy of Best Sex Writing 2013, given graciously by Cleis Press. The contest is open to everyone worldwide.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thank you, Rachel and Cleis Press for allowing me to take part in the blog tour for Best Sex Writing 2013! I’m so happy to be a part of this wonderful virtual blog tour. xoxo

Because I identify as a highly sexual person, this somehow means that I should be fucking every person I meet. This means that I should be actively pursuing people to fuck. This means that every day/hour/minute I’m not fucking someone(s) I should be rubbing my clit and fucking myself excessively because that’s what being a highly sexual being must entail, right?

I can be a bit sarcastic, but you hopefully get the point. I am not at the point in my life, nor with the right people, to be able to maximize my sexual relationships and experiences. This doesn’t mean that I am not a highly sexual person and this doesn’t mean that I am unhappy. Sex finds its way into my life every single day through various mediums. Sometimes I read articles about sexual health or I review a sex toy. Other times I share feminist, sex-positive news with people and other times I watch porn. At times I masturbate a bajillion times in a day, and other days I don’t masturbate even once. Often On occasion I have phone sex or I write an erotic story. I am a single, independent, sexual woman. I am a young professional out in the world, finding my way, earning a living and the frequency of intercourse does not define me.

I want to find a significant other(s). I want to live with someone I love. I just happen to be alone for the time being, and that is not a bad thing, nor a deficient thing. I don’t want to have random sex with strangers (yet) because I am looking for something else, and I am happy to wait to get what I want.

There is a piece in Best Sex Writing 2013 that resonated with me because it addressed how society shames virgins, because a person shouldn’t wait to have sex with someone special, but a person should want to fuck at any given opportunity that crops up–and in fact, create opportunities through which sex is likely to happen as soon as fucking possible. This is unfair. People should be allowed to lead the sexual or asexual lives they want to lead. I expect my future to be full of lots of sexcapades and experiences to learn and try new things with people. Others don’t expect a future filled with sexual plans like mine but instead expect intimacy on many other levels.

We as a society should be more aware of when we are applying our judgments upon others in a negative way. For example, a 40 year-old virgin isn’t a deficient person and isn’t leading an insufficient life merely because he/she/they is a virgin. There’s value in waiting for whatever life situation is perceived worthwhile to be waiting for. I lost my virginity a few years ago and in some ways I wish I would have waited at least for my first serious relationship, because then it would have been more special. However, I was a content, sexual person even before I lost my virginity.

My current rationale is that I’d rather fuck myself than fuck someone who might not do it as well as my hands and brain and toys can. *wink* But who knows. I do think I sense new partner(s) on the horizon. If you try to say toys are replacements of partners and even cocks, I will lecture you. Inanimate objects never replace people. Toys allow people to explore, learn, enhance, and embrace their sexualities more easily. I still want a partner in crime, duh.

And quite frankly, when I wait longer between sexcapades, or masturbation rounds for that matter, the reward is only sweeter.

And do you know what’s even sweeter and sexier than waiting? Knowing I’ll blog about it. xoxo

“Home-wreckers” are often women that married men have affairs with, right? Do you know who is really to blame in these scenarios? The cheating spouse. People shouldn’t blame the stranger simply because it’s easier than addressing the cheating of the partner. Who is the one who is definitely acting immorally? The cheater. End of story.

I don’t have any broad moral bones to pick with the third parties, especially as I don’t know where they are coming from. Maybe that person has no idea what the situation involves, maybe that person does know. I don’t think it matters at the end of the day. When a spouse cheats, there is definitely something dishonest happening. Situations of cheating can easily get messy and complicated, but I think that generally the third party did not instigate the home-wrecky-ness.

Because this scenario is common with a married man cheating on his wife with another woman, the fact that the other woman is blamed by society feels a little slut-shame-y to me. I cannot articulate why it feels this way other than that the societal blame is being put on the woman, the other, rather than the man and his cheating. This doesn’t feel right. It’s always easier to blame the scapegoat, but that doesn’t make it okay. xoxo

Photo courtesy of CreativNooky

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #46? Start with the newly updated rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Bringing Toxic Sex Toy Facts Out of the Attic

How Do I Get My Wife to Dominate Me?

I Need This

~ Featured Posts (Molly’s Picks) ~

Speaking the unspeakable

#safetytipsforladies

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Easy Come Easy Go: A Look at Orgasm Control
I came before I was ready
Relationships and age difference
PolyAnna’s Musings: Different is Good, Right?
Seriously Proud Queer
Spanking Kink of the Week
How to Be Good in Bed
A Thousand Small Unhappinesses
What’s in a Number?
The Absence ofHow to Tell if a Man is Gay
Stop Shitting on the Bottoms

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

It’s Not Misandry, You’re a Douchebag

CatalystCon

Catalyst: How it Inspired

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Caning: To count or not to count
Slavery and Social Death, by O. Patterson
His Eyes Hungry. His Body Pleads: Use Me!
Toilet Whore
And then, I apologized.

Erotic Fiction

Wicked Wednesday: A little bit of confusion
The Moment
Detached
Waxing Lyrical
The “L” word
Gorge
Lolita Twenty-Thirteen, Part Three
Difficult

Erotic Non Fiction

Girl on Girl
The Moment I Felt Owned
Tasting Her
Acting on Instructions
Final Cruise
Quickie
A Lazy Sadistic Orgasm
I had 8 days of sex.
An hour together
Cheerful Disappointment
What is Erotic?
The Coin Flip
Playing with Adam
A Trip to the Hardware Store
Fall From Grace

Eroticon

A Somewhat Different Eroticon2013 4~part Post

Poetry

The Dark Place

I want to make a difference in this world, and I want to do this through the realm of sexuality and sex education. I have known that this is my calling for a few years now, but there is no direct path to such a career. I often found myself pursuing other academic fields and tailor-fitting them to my interests. Because of this, I have a wide array of skills and education, but I never had a support system for the pursuit of my passions.

Until CatalystCon.

I cannot even begin to tell you how incredible this was–I finally found the group of people who not only support my goals, but they themselves also pursue them in their own unique ways, and on top of all of that, Tristan Taormino provided us with the basic guidelines to try to make our passions for change and sex education a reality.

After the entire weekend of discussions, panels and social networking, here’s what my gut told me. I felt inspired. I felt validated. I felt welcomed and needed. I felt like I belonged in this evolving, essential community.

I felt humbled.

It was the most encouraging environment to be in, and it couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. One of the most surprising aspects of the con was that a lot of issues that were steeping in the back of my mind were actually acknowledged aloud by others. Part of me hesitated to put voice to those concerns, and that’s why I haven’t discussed them on this blog yet. And yet there I was, listening to other educators and professionals talk about the topics I too found to be important. (Curious? I will discuss them on this blog in due course, and I will write more about CatalystCon too.)

It was so great to meet everyone that I did, and I hope in future CatalystCons I’ll be able to meet and get to know folks all that much more. Although I was terrified, I made it a point to introduce myself to at least a few of my heroes throughout the weekend: Tristan Taormino, Carol Queen, Robert Morgan Lawrence, and Rachel Kramer Bussel. (I can’t name drop everyone here! I’d inevitably leave someone out.) If you don’t know who these people are, I suggest you check them out, as they have been so inspiring to me. They were all great to meet and I hope to work with them in the future in some capacity.

The con also helped me discover new heroes and key people within the field. I even made some social and academic networks throughout the weekend as well, which was a really pleasant surprise.

As if the con wasn’t inspiring and educational and moving enough, Afternoon Tea with Carol and Robert was one of the most emotional talks I’ve ever been at. They moved me.

I found my calling. Finally. xoxo

The “labia-pride” movement

• Here’s the tagline:  Rebelling against the porn aesthetic, women are taking to the Internet to sing the praises of “endowed” women.
• This is a great post because it remarks on the Pussy-Pride Project created by Molly
• I of course participated in this project because I have Pussy Pride too, so check it out!

The feminist pornographer

• I CANNOT WAIT to read “The Feminist Porn Book.” I want the porn I watch and buy to be ethically made, feature consensual pleasure and acts, as well as feature people with an array of physiques, preferences, and personalities. 
• As an identified feminist I am greatly looking forward to learning more about the politics behind this debate.

How I became a feminist porn star

• Dylan Ryan is the bomb. 
• Here’s an excerpt:
  

   ”Do I feel like a lot of pornography is made with the male gaze, made to objectify women, to pervert feminine sexuality into something that is only for men and for their consumption? Totally. . . . I am very lucky that I don’t feel like I have made films or been involved in things that have only had that objective. I don’t feel like I have ever been treated that way.”

• Like I suggested earlier, of course many feminists like porn and want porn, not to mention perform, actively support, and even create porn.

o   History of the G-spot
o   How to find the G-spot
o   Solo G-spot stimulation
o   G-spot toys and products
o   Erotic stories about the g-spot
o   Combined G-spot stimulation: fingers and toys
o   Intercourse positions
o   Anal penetration and G-spot stimulation
o   G-spot orgasms
o   Female ejaculation