You know what? I dislike the term “home-wrecker,” and I think using the term in any fashion places unfair blame on a third party.
“Home-wreckers” are often women that married men have affairs with, right? Do you know who is really to blame in these scenarios? The cheating spouse. People shouldn’t blame the stranger simply because it’s easier than addressing the cheating of the partner. Who is the one who is definitely acting immorally? The cheater. End of story.
I don’t have any broad moral bones to pick with the third parties, especially as I don’t know where they are coming from. Maybe that person has no idea what the situation involves, maybe that person does know. I don’t think it matters at the end of the day. When a spouse cheats, there is definitely something dishonest happening. Situations of cheating can easily get messy and complicated, but I think that generally the third party did not instigate the home-wrecky-ness.
Because this scenario is common with a married man cheating on his wife with another woman, the fact that the other woman is blamed by society feels a little slut-shame-y to me. I cannot articulate why it feels this way other than that the societal blame is being put on the woman, the other, rather than the man and his cheating. This doesn’t feel right. It’s always easier to blame the scapegoat, but that doesn’t make it okay. xoxo
Hmmm, yes and no. I do think the main responsibility should always go on the cheating partner, and they can be men or women. One of the things that really annoys me is the way cheating women get treated differently to cheating men, apparently women being decivers is sexy, but as my Gran would say it takes two to tango.
If the adulterer had no one willing to enable their adultery they wouldnt do it. This is why I have far more respect for married men who visit sex workers, they avoid the lies a relationship evolves and are genuinely not looking to wreck their home.
Thanks for the comment! I don’t think I’ve ever perceived women being deceivers as being sexy. I also think sometimes the third party doesn’t always know what kind of situation (i.e. marriage) they are getting into, but that does depend on how long they see the same person, the cheater. Presumably if she becomes a mistress of sorts then she might know that there is cheating going on.
I really like when couples are open about other people in their lives, such as sex workers. If it is communicated beforehand that their needs aren’t met in the monogamous relationship, I am all for getting permission to explore elsewhere. Sex workers are a great means through which to do that, you’re right.
It does take 2 to tango. It’s too messy to know how the third party gets involved with the adultery, and of course there are cases when they are nearly as immoral as the cheaters.
Thanks!
I see many many clients that are married and I always remind myself that I have no idea what their relationships or their SO’s are like. There are a million reasons to cheat- everything from simply truly being poly to being a selfish sex craved jerk to being a manipulated neglected partner. Relationship dynamics are so ultra complicated I’d rather not get involved- but i am and at least i’m not the type of woman that will stalk your kids school or wake you up with heavy breathing at 3am. Personally I believe that we all play a responsibility role in all of our relationships- maybe not equal roles but for those who are aware of what is transposing a choice is made.
@Julie Yes definitely! I totally agree with you and thanks for the comment!
There are too many differing situations to make generalizations, but yes. It just feels a little slut-shame-y when people go straight to attacking the outside person (who is most often female(?), or so the media makes it seem). Perhaps this is not how it really happens. Perhaps the cheater is punished first and then the “home-wrecker” second. But the media really promotes the home-wrecker stereotype, wherein the female person gets punished more than the male (in heterosexual situations) does, even if the male is the one doing the cheating on his relationship. If that makes sense.
This post felt like a half-developed thought because I don’t have the academic words to discuss feminism and gender inequality, but I hope I made my point clear.