Over the past few years I have enjoyed the company of casual partners, all of whom have helped me learn what I know today about my sexuality, through trial and error, and for better or worse. I have stories to tell about my adventures, but I want to share with you some of the things I have learned.
First and foremost, I never rush into anything, especially if I feel pressured. When I feel the slightest push from someone in a not-so-sexy-and-consensual way, I resist and ultimately decline. There may be a fine line between putting on the moves and pushing someone, and many might not be able to tell the difference–but it is huge. In addition, I am not a risk-taker and so I do not engage with someone unless I get a really good feel for what he is like. If he doesn’t jive with me based on personality, we will not successfully jive in bed.
When a fella and I decide we might have some fun together, we talk about the fine print. We exchange sexual health and STI information, protection requirements, current relationship status/ sex life, and so on. These are baseline topics that ought to be discussed in advance of sexy times if possible. When I initially meet a guy online, I also like to cover bases such as hard limits, turn-ons, and sexual preferences. This is because there is more time for such discussions, and it can be valuable to know this information even before meeting him in person. For example, perhaps one of his hard limits is one of your favorite sex acts to do–that might be a deal breaker. I like to make it clear that while I’m happy to do various things in the bedroom, I expect the equivalent things in return. I like to call my equal exchange agreement a “tit for tat.” This is a team effort, however short-lived.
When I meet a guy, we arrange some semblance of a date. Dinner, drinks, coffee, what have you are all great starts to a casual meet-up without making anyone feel stressed or committed to the tentative plans. I meet and hang out with guys in public. If all goes well, perhaps we decide to stick together for the night, or plan for another night in the future. Excellent. It has been brought to my attention that these dating rituals of sorts are not common with all cultures. But until I reach the point of it being okay to text a guy to come over for an ASAP romp, I expect to at least be briefly courted. This isn’t a prenuptial, people.
What I have come to prefer most is having a good friend who also happens to be my fuck buddy. This means that the chemistry is there at least somewhat, and that our personalities connect. I also really enjoy when the casual sex is a regular thing, where monogamy is not necessary, but honesty is required. However, there can be benefits to having sexual encounters with near-strangers too. What I recommend is to still get a good sense of the person, really learn what s/he like and if you connect or not. Then plan it safely and smartly: meet in public, test the waters, see how it goes. One of the larger risks with sex with strangers is that it is harder to know if they are trustworthy and also if they are good in bed. Having realistic expectations is a must.
I do believe it can be incredibly successful to find casual, quality partners online, but you have to know where to look for what you want. Believe me when I say that dating sites and social media sites can get extremely spammy when it comes to men trying to connect/talk to women. It can be so spammy that messages get ignored, deleted, and lost in the chaos. I think there is hope for adult sites, such as XXX Sex Guides that are very specific about the type of dating they are trying to arrange for consumers.
My advice is to be respectful, straightforward, and friendly toward the people you interact with online, and more so toward the people you’d like to fuck someday. Good grammar and humor are also always great things too. If you have questions about online dating, casual relationships, long-distance relationships, etc., please contact me! xoxo
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