Often when people tell me “you should…” they are trying to look out for me or offer advice that they think is best. They are trying to help me live my life to its fullest, for which I am very thankful. But sometimes, sometimes when people tell me “you should…” it seems like they are making a judgment about my life in such a way that makes me feel like I’m somehow deficient by not doing such things that I ought to do. This comes into play with my sexual nature at times and I think that it reflects something about society on a macro level as well.
Because I identify as a highly sexual person, this somehow means that I should be fucking every person I meet. This means that I should be actively pursuing people to fuck. This means that every day/hour/minute I’m not fucking someone(s) I should be rubbing my clit and fucking myself excessively because that’s what being a highly sexual being must entail, right?
I can be a bit sarcastic, but you hopefully get the point. I am not at the point in my life, nor with the right people, to be able to maximize my sexual relationships and experiences. This doesn’t mean that I am not a highly sexual person and this doesn’t mean that I am unhappy. Sex finds its way into my life every single day through various mediums. Sometimes I read articles about sexual health or I review a sex toy. Other times I share feminist, sex-positive news with people and other times I watch porn. At times I masturbate a bajillion times in a day, and other days I don’t masturbate even once. Often On occasion I have phone sex or I write an erotic story. I am a single, independent, sexual woman. I am a young professional out in the world, finding my way, earning a living and the frequency of intercourse does not define me.
I want to find a significant other(s). I want to live with someone I love. I just happen to be alone for the time being, and that is not a bad thing, nor a deficient thing. I don’t want to have random sex with strangers (yet) because I am looking for something else, and I am happy to wait to get what I want.
There is a piece in Best Sex Writing 2013 that resonated with me because it addressed how society shames virgins, because a person shouldn’t wait to have sex with someone special, but a person should want to fuck at any given opportunity that crops up–and in fact, create opportunities through which sex is likely to happen as soon as fucking possible. This is unfair. People should be allowed to lead the sexual or asexual lives they want to lead. I expect my future to be full of lots of sexcapades and experiences to learn and try new things with people. Others don’t expect a future filled with sexual plans like mine but instead expect intimacy on many other levels.
We as a society should be more aware of when we are applying our judgments upon others in a negative way. For example, a 40 year-old virgin isn’t a deficient person and isn’t leading an insufficient life merely because he/she/they is a virgin. There’s value in waiting for whatever life situation is perceived worthwhile to be waiting for. I lost my virginity a few years ago and in some ways I wish I would have waited at least for my first serious relationship, because then it would have been more special. However, I was a content, sexual person even before I lost my virginity.
My current rationale is that I’d rather fuck myself than fuck someone who might not do it as well as my hands and brain and toys can. *wink* But who knows. I do think I sense new partner(s) on the horizon. If you try to say toys are replacements of partners and even cocks, I will lecture you. Inanimate objects never replace people. Toys allow people to explore, learn, enhance, and embrace their sexualities more easily. I still want a partner in crime, duh.
And quite frankly, when I wait longer between sexcapades, or masturbation rounds for that matter, the reward is only sweeter.
And do you know what’s even sweeter and sexier than waiting? Knowing I’ll blog about it. xoxo
“And do you know what’s even sweeter and sexier than waiting? Knowing I’ll blog about it. ” ~grin~ All grinning aside, tho, I totally agree with you. WE get to choose what being sexual (or not) means. There is no “should.”
Thoughtful and well put. Somehow quite erotic too.
Very well put!! One might ask, “What is normal?” and get a million different variations on the answer that may all be correct. It’s whatever works for YOU!
~Kazi xxx
I agree with what you say here. Each person is different and should have the freedom to be who they are sexually without all the hype or pressure. Looking forward to those escapade blogs
Freedom to explore your own individual sexuality is without a doubt the key to finding a place and people who make you happy.
Mollyxxx
Very well said. And I totally agree re. the waiting. It really does make it sweeter. Jane xxx
Excellently stated, it is an individual’s decision. And it sounds as though you have some goals on the horizon!
I agree, very well said! I also find that many people who frequently say “you should…” are just too weak to change anything about their own situations
Rebel xox
What a wonderful post!
I know what you are talking about. Just because I write about sex it doesn´t mean I want to fuck every guy I see.
And just because I am a sub it doesn´t mean that I will submit to every so-called-Dom.
Whether as a virgin or a person exploring sexuallity. It is totally ok to wait until you feel safe and are with the right person.
Unfortunately, a lot of people don´t think that way.
I love this as it totally could have been me (although i would never have put it quite so eloquently!). The second paragraph on particular had me nodding furiously. Brilliant .. and thank you!
I totally agree! Sexuality channels through each one of us differently. Enjoying it is a pleasure of life!
Good on you! We should all be allowed to do and behave exactly how we wish! Brilliantly written.
~Mia~ xx
Very well said across the board. I was a virgin until I was 28 years old and man did I feel the pressure not be be the old woman who had never had sex. Luckily, the person I let have my virginity meant quite a bit to me and I meant quite a bit to him as we are now engaged but sometimes it takes awhile for a person to come along who is worth the effort.
A fantastic read that I enjoyed every second of and I agree with everything you have said here. Loved it
My ex-shrinky-dink said I *should* challenge my *should* statements. I chuckled silently to myself.